cease striving

So I fell down a few stairs and sprained my foot.  Since I initially thought for sure I had broken it, I was so relieved to get the sprain diagnosis that I gave myself 2 days on two crutches, 2 days on one crutch, 1 day of limping along on the heel of my bad foot, and then decided I had had enough and I was better. (We have a hike planned with some friends from NH next weekend and I didn't want to hold us back!) Bad decision.  After putting weight on my bad foot and walking on it slightly I reinjured it and now can't put any weight on it at all.  My foot bruised and I got tingling from my toes to my knee.  Now it turns red/purple when I am in a vertical position!  Do you know me at all??  I don't know how to sit still.  I have a busy household to run!  I don't think anyone knew the many things that I keep up with that go unnoticed.  (I don't think that even I knew!)  I am so frustrated because everything takes so long for me to do!  I tried grocery shopping with Caleb when I was in the 2 crutch stage.  What did I get from it?  Bruised palms, chafed sides, and a sore Achilles on my good foot.  (I am here to tell you that the rumor that "it is all down hill once you turn 40" is true!)  

I am learning something.  Honestly, I'm not sure the extent of it yet, but I believe that God wants me to slow down.  Now, I don't mean in what I DO.  I mean in my mind.  It's often my mind that causes the physical racing around anyway, but I don't think God cares so much if my list of accomplishments at the end of the day is big or small.  I think he wants me to have a calm and peaceful mind at the end of it all.  So, He doesn't necessarily want me to cut things out that I am doing- as long as my heart and mind are calm and focused.  

Did I just say"focused"?  Well- that's what I NEVER am.  At least not for more than a couple of minutes.  I focus on making a menu for the week, get overwhelmed at the time that it is taking me, and set it aside to do something else that is more pressing.  And that's how I live my life.  Was it Jim Elliot who said, "Wherever you are, be all there."?  I feel like I'm never "all there".  And being forced to sit has given me more time to think.     

I think I panic when I sit down to do something that takes any amount of time because I have in my head that I have so much to do I don't have time to be doing whatever it is I am doing!  

God was so gracious to me.  I could have broken my foot or leg.  (Now that I think of it, I was putting the little kids to bed when it happened.  If I had "been all there" and waited with them while they were getting pjs on instead of calculating the amount of time it would take them to do that and figuring that if I hurried I could grab Alissa's sweatshirt that was upstairs and bring it down to her room before they were finished getting dressed- I may not have run down the stairs in the dark without holding onto the railing.  Hmmm...  )  Instead, God allowed me to have only a sprain.  And then when I tried to rush His process before I had learned a valuable lesson, He allowed me to suffer the consequences of rushing.

Why have I been alive for this long and still not learned something that seems so basic?

 What do I have now?  A restless mind that needs rest.  And where do I find that rest?  In Jesus.  

I love one translation of Psalm 46:10  "Cease striving and know that I am God. "

Cease striving.

Okay.  I will.   

(Matt got me this amazing display for Mother's Day.  It represents as he said, "our WHOLE family".  And no, I am not pregnant!  That belly represents our Devan who lived out his entire life inside of me.  Matt is so sweet and thoughtful and I am incredibly thankful for him!)

40s night

After a very busy Club Hope day, Cameron, Alissa, Hannah, and Jeremiah went to a homeschool 40's night formal.  

lilacs

beautiful lilacs in the perfect vase from mom and dad~

happy mother's day, mom!

I have an amazing mother.  She has been my mom for 41 years and the lessons she has taught me about being a wife, a mom, and a woman of God cannot be numbered.  I want to take some time to write down just a few of the things I have learned through the incredible example of my mom.

First, her walk with God has been her number one priority.  God has never been in a separate box than the rest of life.  She clearly demonstrates that God is integrated into every single part of her life.  If there is a problem?  Stop and ask God for wisdom.  In trouble? Pray.  Need answers?  Find them in the Bible.  Daily time with God is not an option for her.  She would as much give up her time with God in His Word as give up breakfast, lunch, and supper!  She and my dad both taught me at an early age that having my Quiet Time was more important than reading other books, watching television, talking on the phone, or playing games.  If I chose to do one of those things before spending time with God, I was making a statement that one of those things was more important to me than God.  I was taught by more than just words- I was taught by example.  My mom was and is intentional about spending time alone with God on a daily basis.

Life gets messy.  And my mom has not had a mess-free life.  She has been criticized, misunderstood, taken advantage of,  dealt with tragedies and illnesses in her own life, and maybe even worse, in the lives of her children,  (Speaking as a mom,  I am beginning to wonder if our kids' hurts hurt us worse than our own!). She's been tired, overwhelmed, confused, and sad.  Don't think I wasn't watching her during those times.  I had to know how she was going to hold up- how she would cope.  By God's grace, she turned to Him and to TRUTH every time.  She turned to the truth found in the Bible so that she wasn't listening to herself or to the world to determine if she had good reason to be bitter or angry or give up.  She never rationalized sinful feelings or emotions.  She gave everything to God and prayed for grace to respond in a way that was pleasing to Him.  This goes beyond all human reasoning.

Second, and a book could be written on this topic, she has modeled how to be a godly wife like no other woman I know.  My dad has been and I'm sure always will be her top priority after God.  Growing up, all of us kids knew that Mom would never side with us against Dad.  Never.  Whether she agreed with him or not!  And it wasn't because she didn't care about or us or because she was afraid of him.  My mom believed that God appointed the husband to be the head of the home and in order for her to pass that belief on to us, she had to live it out.  As a wife of almost 23 years myself, I find it hard to believe that she always trusted that he was making the right decision.  I can't imagine that it was always easy to submit to an imperfect man.  (as we are ALL imperfect!)  What she really showed me is that she was trusting God.  If God told her to submit to her husband, then in doing so even when she didn't understand, she was being obedient to and trusting God.  And God blessed her for that!

But it was more than just submitting to him.  She showed him she cared about him and the things that he cared about.  I remember that one thing that my dad did to earn extra money was turn the water on and off at seasonal cottages.  When spring rolled around he would turn the water on and when fall came he turned the water off.  Did he do it alone?  Nope!  Mom wanted to be with Dad as much as possible, so she went with him.  Of course, having young children, they brought us along as well!  The jobs were dirty, involving crawling under cottages to get to where the pipes were and Mom often would be under there with him holding the flashlight or handing him his tools.  She hates bugs and dirt as much as the next person, so I was convinced that she did it out of love for him rather than anything else.  Dad also dug graves as a way to earn extra money when he was putting his kids through Christian high school.  Alone?  Not usually!  Mom would go along to keep him company or to help in any way she could.  Dad felt loved.

Mom showed interest in the things that he was involved with and complimented him like no one’s business!  If he was working on a car, she would ask him questions about what he was doing and then tell him how smart he was to be able to do things like that.  She would get him his Chilton’s manual from under the couch where he kept it and then listen to him talk about what he thought would be the best solution to the vehicle issue.  

And compliments?  I heard her constantly telling him how strong he was, how smart he was, how kind he was….  Even for no reason! She would walk by him and touch his arm and then stop, looking shocked, and say, “Honey!  Your bicep is huge!”  Now, what man wouldn’t want to hear that?  

To keep her marriage strong she was intentional with her part in it.  She was so selfless, serving my dad with a smile and doing things and going places that were for the sole purpose of spending time with him.  

I realize I have been writing this in the past tense and it is NOT an obituary!  It’s just that I have been thinking back in my mind so things came out as in the past.  But this is very much who my mom is today.

Proverbs 31:11 says, “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.”  Our husbands hearts will not naturally trust in us unless we as wives intentionally give them reason to.  Mom has spent her life purposely loving my dad and demonstrating it even when it didn’t come easy.  

One of the reasons I am so grateful to her is because of the example she is to my own kids.  They cannot believe the relationship my parents have after 42 years of marriage.  They constantly tell me how they want their own marriages to look like that after all that time.  They say how romantic it is too!  I mean, how many grandfathers text their granddaughter after receiving a happy birthday text to tell them how fun their birthday was because at the end of the day he and his wife danced in the moonlight on the basketball court?  

Mom taught me that besides God, our only permanent relationships are our relationships with our husbands.  Kids grow up and move away, friends may or may not be there in years to come, but our spouses were intended to be our forever friends...til death do us part!  So, Mom is spending her time- still!- investing in her forever friendship more than any other.

What does she gain in all of this? Well...a lot!  But one thing is, my dad loves my mom incredibly.  He calls her his bride and compliments her publicly often.  They could have just determined to put up with each other, but they both decided to do things God’s way and in applying the Scriptures that say how to treat people in general- to each other, they have been blessed by God in amazing ways.

I want to be just like my mother when I grow up. 

just because

For no special occasion, Matt came home with these.  Just to let me know he loves me....

I heard my oldest daughters talking recently and they both said they want a man who loves them as much as "Dad loves Mom".  (Of course, Brianna has found hers!)

What an amazing man God has blessed me with!

teacher leah

Leah loves to teach.  One day this week she got things ready so that as soon as rest time was over she would be ready to teach Micah a Bible lesson.  She had the dry erase board all prepared and the room ready.  I didn't see the whole "class", but I did see this note that she wrote to Micah after :)

embracing change

My life has changed so much.  Actually, it's not my life that has changed, it is the circumstances that have changed.  Time goes by quickly now and I find myself just watching and trying to figure out what happened!

It has taken me by surprise and I have not dealt gracefully with the changes.  I loved my life as a busy mom to all little children.  It was tiring physically but I thrived on trying to figure it all out.  I found my identity in that.

Now with a daughter who will be getting married soon, a son who as an EMT is being trusted with people's lives, a daughter who is looking forward to her senior year of high school...  I am taking time to reflect.

First, I don't want to grieve the loss of little kids when I still have little kids!  God has given me Leah and Micah and I need to remember not to lump them in with the rest of the kids.  They can still enjoy going to the park, being read Little House books, making forts, having charts with stickers marking their progress, making cards for people, and so many other things that were just a normal part of life with all littles.  Sounds obvious- but it wasn't to me.

Second, I don't need to grieve the "loss" of my older children before they are gone.  I don't need to look at every occasion as the last of this or the last of that.  (I have literally made myself sad thinking, "This is the last April 30th that we will have as a whole family together.")  I LOVE when all my chicks are in the nest (as my kids know I'm famous for saying!).  When I can look out the window and see everyone's car in the driveway, or see all 9 chairs filled at the dinner table, or pray with 7 children before bed, it makes my hearts overflow with happiness.  I want to let it be overflowing and not ruin the moment by grieving in advance the moments when it will be only 6 or 5 or 4 children I am praying with before bed.

Next, I knew before we had kids that we were raising them to be independent, God honoring, men and women who could live out the life that God had planned for them.  Not once did Matt or I think that we would get to keep our kids forever- nor did we make it our goal to raise dependent kids who would live with us all of their lives!  This is all part of the plan.....no matter how difficult it is for me to adjust to.

Finally, my family will just keep growing!  With the upcoming marriage I will be gaining a new son.  And as my kids marry I imagine that before too long we will be adding grandkids to the mix- and I've heard that is awesome :)

In the meantime I will enjoy today!  We will be having our Saturday evening meal without Brianna today- but that's alright!  I'll miss her, but I don't want that to be the focus.  I have the memory of last weekend's Saturday evening meal and Saturday evening meals dating back to 2005 when we first began the tradition.  And I will have the joy of having 8 seats filled tonight- still a blessing!

I love the family that God has blessed me with.  And I will not waste time grieving the changes that God had planned all along.

This note was written by Brianna when she was around 6 or 7 years old.