another birthday

16 years is a long time.  Time enough to dull the pain, calm the ache.  No amount of time will take it away though- the deep down pain and the longing I have for my boy.  Sometimes it makes me want to hold my baby again and enjoy the baby moments I missed out on.  Sometimes it makes me want to have toddler memories as I look at Micah and wonder what personality Devan would have had as a little boy running around and getting to know life.  Sometimes it makes me want to know how different things would be with a 16 year old- with a brother as close in age as Cameron would have been.  Mostly I just want to hold him.  Any age.

Tears always come on his birthday.  They aren't as painful as they used to be, but they are painful. God is still my comfort.  Always.  He never changes and His comfort never gets less.

I keep my bin of Devan things under my bed.  Pictures of him, a piece of his hair, his footprints, the one outfit he wore, the teddy bear from his great grandparents....  My only physical reminders of him.

God is amazing.  I would not be who I am today without the work of God in my life as He walked me through the valley.  He never let go of my hand, was quick to wipe tears, was faithful in His love, showed compassion in real and tangible ways.  I love Him so much.  I didn't "lose" my son.  He is with Jesus now and one day I will be with him.

A man that I always called "Uncle Donny" wrote a poem for me right after it happened.  It has always meant so much to me.

God blessed our family so much with ALL of the chlidren He gave.  I am so grateful to have Alissa.  Maybe we wouldn't have her if it wasn't for Devan.  God blessed us with children before AND after.  I do not take that for granted. He is so good!