emotions

 Emotions- so hard to predict these days!  For example, I am minding my own business washing some dishes when I suddenly get completely overwhelmed with a memory.

It was November 1995.  I was living with my husband and two dogs in a mobile home in South Carolina and anxiously awaiting the birth of my first born daughter.  I had decorated our home for Christmas and was repeatedly playing my Steven Curtis Chapman Christmas cassette.  I remember washing dishes with Palmolive and the warm water on my hands, the feel of my very pregnant belly against the counter, the sound of the Christmas music, and the soft Christmas lights all combined with my eager imagination of what was to come.  My baby girl would be born AND we were going home for Christmas! I would have my baby and be able to show her to her aunts, uncle, and grandparents.  I pictured each scene in my mind as I imagined it would play out.  It was such an intense feeling of excitement and contentment.  I would imagine snuggling with my little one, dressing her in one of the outfits I had already washed, folded, and stored away in the changing table, kissing her sweet little head, rocking her to sleep in Nana Cram's rocking chair, and singing to her songs about Jesus.  All those thoughts would go through my head as I washed our (in hindsight!) few dirty dishes and put them in the dish drainer to dry.

Throughout the years I have gotten many types of dish soap.  Usually whatever was on sale!  So when I decided to get Palmolive recently, I was caught off guard by the emotion that  overcame me as the scent reached my nose.  For a moment I was back in SC with Steven Curtis anticipating the arrival of my newborn.

Where has the time gone?  My baby girl is now in college.  All the anticipation, the prayers, the time, the tears, the worry, the care, the hugs, the discipline, the whole investment.....  and she will be a legal adult in 11 days.  

I look back.  So many mistakes I made.  It was so easy to be a perfect parent before I had kids!  I had the perfect strategy and strict "I will never...." and "I will always..." statements.  Reality hit pretty quickly.  

God is so good.  He filled in the many gaps I left as I am such a sinful person- selfish, prideful, impatient.  I prayed so much throughout her growing up years and Matt and I were faithful to our goal of pointing her to Jesus.

Today?  I am so proud. Brianna has all A's and one B (which will more than likely be brought up to an A if I know her!) in college.  She has a reputation of being a godly girl who won't go along with the crowd if they are going in the wrong direction.  She is teaching a weekly Good News Club and last week led some children to Christ.  Last week she was one of about 200 students who applied for a particular job at the campus bookstore....and she got the job!  She is mentoring a girl who is struggling and Brianna is the one people call on when they are in trouble.

I miss her so much.  Thanksgiving can't come soon enough.  Now, the sights and sounds and thoughts are a bit different than they were 18 years ago.  As I wash the dishes I am lucky if I can hear the Christmas music that is playing (on Pandora- not a cassette tape!), we are waiting for Brianna before we put up the Christmas lights, the dishes are not few but many, and the thoughts? Still eager anticipation- with a mixture of happiness and sadness.  I can hardly wait for us all to be together.  God in His goodness blessed me many times over with babies- all of whom were welcomed with the same excitement as our firstborn.  It will be good to be a complete family when Brianna comes home.  Sadness though as I know the cycle now.  They are little and then?  They are big.  They are totally dependent and then?  They are independent.

Brianna will always be my little girl.  I will never forget those days in SC waiting for her to be born.

I am so thankful that God is faithful, He is good, and He never changes. I am thankful that He filled in and made up for my inadequacies.  I am most thankful that He loves my baby more than I do and that He will never leave her.

The sadness is only a temporary emotion.  I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.  This stage in my life is just taking some getting used to!  And as seasons change....God doesn't.

Even to your old age I will be the same, And even to your graying years I will bear you! I have done it, and I will carry you; And I will bear you and I will deliver you.Isaiah 46:4

Emotions and Palmolive.